I keep telling myself its okay. 

This girl is literally all I can think about.. the feelings aren’t mutual.. its okay tho..

I love her… she doesn’t love me.. its okay tho

I want a future.. she did in the past.. it’s okay tho.. 
Overall I want her. She doesn’t want me. But I keep telling myself its okay tho.. it doesn’t feel right not telling her I care about her and not showing her I wanna be more but I don’t wanna lose the friendship so here I am, lost, but still there. The problem is I cant let go.. I loved her and her feelings and presence and everything else about her.. what kind of person would I be if I left because she won’t ever want me.. 
We’re still friends.. so it’s okay tho..

Today is Tough..

I miss my best friend.. even though she was Glorias friend I still loved her. I sent Bailey the message i tried to send her but she never responded.. She seen it but i dunno. I keep worrying im gonna make her hate me even though she has so far decided not to. I miss Bailey and the connection we had.. Sometimes i still feel like we are us and happy and nothing is wrong but then it gets to the moment i want her to call me or wanna send some stupid emoji or tell her i love her and i cant that i realize i dont have her that way anymore. I wonder if it will ever get easier.. I know i fucked up bad and hurt her and thats my fault completely. I just hope we can move past this.. I want her to be my person again. Ive lost nearly everyone else.. I basically lost her too.. not completely.. but it isnt the same. I tried to send the message to Eliza again but im blocked.. I waited too long and now she will likely never know anything other than I lied. Ill love her and Evie forever. Even if they now hate me. 

So i wrote eliza a letter haha

After i tried to send it and found out she isnt accepting messages from me i figured id at least post it here so ill have it to look back on..
I spent all week trying to find the words for what I want to say to you.. I completely understand why you decided we can’t be friends and I’m sorry I lied for so long and hurt you.. you never gave me a reason to feel like I had to lie so by continuing to lie for so long I just made it worse.. you’re probably still confused about a lot so I’m going to clear up some of the lies and explain what made them. I understand if you completely ignore this message but I feel like even if we aren’t friends anymore you at least deserve to see the truth..
 I started the Gloria profiles with my friend Jess in 2010.. we were both going through a lot and we wanted to make a few friends so we had more than just each other to talk to about things. I became friends with you and Angie as myself first on myspace and jess brought you two to the Gloria profile where I continued to talk to you.. After a while I guess I just got comfortable talking to you as Gloria.. There was a few times I tried to tell the truth but I never knew how.. in 2011 and I was raped by a guy named Todd and all my real friends ignored me or thought I was lying.. at that point I had walked away from profile for a few months but I needed literally anyone to talk to about what happened because I never told my mom.. i still havent and probably never will.. so I went to you and you helped me through the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in life and then in August 2012 I went to the emergency room with Jess where I found out I was carrying a dead baby I already miscarried the baby unknowingly but my body didn’t dispose of the rest of the lining properly and cause pain’s that I’ve never been through.. I never told anyone my family or friends aside from Jess.. and I was emotional mess so jess tried to help by giving the baby a name and identity and for a minute did help… at the time I was watching a baby and he became my Jake.. i basically raised him for his first 3 years.. it was pathetic of me to lie about something like that but it was helping and then in December 2015 I stopped watching the baby so in a way I felt like I lost my son all over again.. I stopped being Gloria for a while because I was tired of living a lie but jess continued.. she got with Jared and gave him my number because i guess i was Glorias voice.. and I continuously left him even once tried to tell him Gloria wasn’t real but he would ignore it.. when I was in Kansas I completely cut him off and tried to stop being gloria again.. while I was in Kansas I met Michael as myself and we started to care about each other.. shortly after I found him and my mom were Sexting behind my back but I needed to find happiness so I overlooked it and I decided to settle for a chance at a relationship with him.. immediately he pushed to move in so he moved in and was ready for sex immediately.. i wasnt but he basically forced me to have sex with him and I didn’t know how to react because Id never had sex willing and i just wanted to feel like i had a choice and the only other person to have touched me was my cousin when i was little.. I still haven’t told my family or even my mom that I was raped or molested or anything else about me.. Michael got me pregnant couple times but is soon as I would tell him I thought I was or I would take a test and it would be positive and he would have the idea that I was he would do something to make my life hell and I would lose it my mom only knows about one of those times that Michael caused me to lose it.. being with him made me lose all of my friends and he would try to control me so my only connections to anyone was as gloria.. being selfish I continued.. one time i went to the emergency room and once again I was pregnant and once again Michael caused me to lose it immediately.. sometimes he would just begin to get physical but he was mostly verbal.. after i miscarried the last time the doctor told me he thinks i might not be able to carry a baby so my friend tried to help me by making up aria after I had lost the baby but it all made it worse.. all I could think about was who the baby would be and what would it be like if it was still here.. what would make it laugh what would its favorite color be.. all the little things.. being with Michael caused me to lose everything and I couldn’t even talk to my mom because I found out her and Michael were sleeping together the beginning of my relationship with him.. of course I never confronted them and just tried to overlook it as well.. as soon as Michael left in July I was done being Gloria I didn’t know how to stop though.. When I lost my job I decided that I was completely done.. done with gloria dont with jess. Done with Michael.. done with everything but once again I still don’t know how to stop.. The day I was going to finally come clean and delete Gloria I ended up meeting Bailey and she made me want to talk to her which was stupid on my part I shouldn’t have involved her.. I should have just left like I planned to.. i didn’t want to have Bailey love gloria I wanted Bailey to love Rachel but Id already lied to Bailey so telling her the truth I didn’t think she’d like me anymore and i couldnt blame her if she didnt but I didn’t want to hurt her anymore so I had to tell her.. even if she decided to hate me it was OK because somehow she gave me the strength to finally stop and see that it was going to be OK to be myself even if I had to figure out who that was.. she helps even now make me see that everybody makes mistakes even if I make the big ones.. and she still continues to support me emotionally and cares about how i feel even though I fucked up.. she has decided it okay to be friends and she is trying to get to know me as Rachel.. 
You may not believe me but I never meant for any of this to happen.. youre right im clearly mentally unstable.. But the for the first time in my life I finally feel like I can be myself.. being friends with you helped me for years see that I’m worth more than shitty people.. you’ve been there for me through Ryan and Peyton and even though nobody knew i was with either of them they still controlled me and you gave me strength to leave. After everything I’ve been through I’m still trying to learn how to trust everyone.. i can’t even tell my mom anything.. for the longest time jess was my person. she knew everything about me she knew I was raped she knew I liked girls she knew I miscarried… everything.. she knew I basically quit school where as my family still thinks i just didn’t finish yet and I’m still enrolled. my mom is the only one who knows I quit aside from Jess.. aside from school my family doesnt know anything about me. I’m not asking you to forgive me or understand anything that I did or the reasons behind them but you deserved some answers.. My best friend was Eliza, but youre right.. your best friend was Gloria. Not Rachel.

Now what?

I gave up Gloria.. i keep wondering now that Gloria is gone what im gonna do? Who am i? 

Im going to figure out who i am..  im gonna focus on me. Im gonna let the people who chose to stay see who i really am.. im gonna try to get B and R to see who i am.. 

no lies.. no secrets.. just me.. the real me.. 100% of the time.

Im gonna finish school and get a car. Im gonna get a good job and make friends.. im gonna be 100% done with the rollercoaster that is Michael.. 

im going to set goals and work my ass off to achieve every one of them because i know i deserve to be happy. Im going to find my happiness and make my life one im happy to live. 

No more Gloria. Just the real Rachel..

Who I Really Am

I am Rachel. I am not Gloria. I am not jakes mom. I am not arias mom. I am just that damaged girl who lived a lie. I let people influence me and decide for me and i followed.. sometimes happily.. I helped people.. i hurt people. But most importantly I lied. This blog is meant to be a form of the truth that i believe is 100% truth and nothing but. Ill answer my own questions because trust me i have plenty. 

Number 1: why?

I was depressed and lonely so i made a fake profile. Me and a friend thought it might help and it was never meant to last.

Number 2: what made me stay?

Selfishly i wanted to. Not always. Not usually. But overall i still wanted to. I would try to stop but it wasnt very easy. I never had a reason really to stop. Then when i would try my friend would be right there pushing to continue and i would follow..  I never felt a real connection other than a friendship so what did i have to lose right? 

Number 3: what pushed me to stop? 

4 people. B. R. E. And J.. those people are the people i formed a love and bond with unlike any other person. E was there since day 1.. so was J.. R joined my life nearly 3 years ago and showed me what it felt like for someone to actually care and want you for who you are inside.. B… fml B.. the day i met her on Tinder was the day Gloria ended for me. I instantly felt a connection so damn deep it was unreal.. but i stayed being gloria.. because would she even give Rachel a chance? After a few weeks with B it was too late.. i fell for her.. i loved this woman in a way that made Rachel feel complete.. she loved me too… she deserved the truth though.. so i told her. I knew it wouldnt be the same after that but i couldnt keep lying.. not to her.. i still want her to love me again.. even though she might never do that.. after i told her i told R and shockingly he still says he loves and wants me. He makes me wonder if there could ever be anything with him.. J is still bestest he still loves me.. E though.. E was my best friend.. she was the person i told all my worries. I cried to her the same as she cried to me. We loved eachother.. 7 years best friends. But she left and i cant blame her.. when B couldnt love me i cried. When E said goodbye i nearly died.. my life isnt the same but i needed to do this. 

One day as Rachel i will learn to be okay again.